Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer
our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The
news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have
to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
McALLEN, Texas
(AP)—Dolly spun into a hurricane Tuesday, heading toward the
U.S.-Mexico border and the heavily populated Rio Grande Valley, where
officials feared heavy rains could cause massive flooding and levee
breaks.
Dolly was being closely tracked by a furtive
oceanographer named Humbert, who lost interest as soon as she
was upgraded to hurricane status.

CORK, Ireland (UPI)—Three men were
convicted Tuesday for their part in a bungled cocaine smuggling
operation in which 1.5 tons were lost when a boat capsized off Ireland.
Folklorists observed that the spill is likely to make the local mermaids even more willing to show their breasts to sailors.
PORTLAND,
Maine (AP)—The Navy has decided to scrap its newest destroyer model
after the first two are built in shipyards in Maine and Mississippi,
Sen. Susan Collins said Tuesday.
Or have they…?
ATHENS,
Greece (AP)—Two ferryboats carrying more than 1,500 passengers collided
at a Greek island port Wednesday, injuring three people, authorities
said.
Since there was no way to carry anyone to the land of the dead, everyone survived.
LONDON (UPI)—British
scientists say they’re investigating a feasible way to add lime from
limestone to seawater, which may lower carbon dioxide levels in the
atmosphere.
In addition, the ocean will now be a little more refreshing and might prevent scurvy.
SPRINGFIELD,
Mass. (UPI)—Gun maker Smith & Wesson says it will manufacture a
special commemorative handgun to celebrate a recent U.S. Supreme Court
ruling on the Second Amendment.
The Gloatmaster 6000 will be specifically designed to allow the owner to shoot themselves in the foot.
BALTIMORE (UPI)—A new research center focused on killing invasive species in Chesapeake Bay was announced Wednesday in Maryland.
This
black ops team, designed to be the Chesapeake’s proactive response
unit, will consist of a suicidal starfish, an orphaned crab with
something to prove, a sea urchin with an eyepatch, and an inexperienced
minnow fresh from school.
LEBANON,
Ind. (AP)—A woman accidentally stabbed herself in the foot with a
3-foot-long sword while performing a Wiccan good luck ritual at a
central Indiana cemetery.
And on the other side of the
veil, the dark god Pedus cursed the destruction of his secret minion,
preparing himself for another thousand year cycle and promising that
next time, his escape would succeed.
MOFFETT FIELD,
Calif. (UPI)—Hundreds of scientists are meeting this week in California
as part of the celebration of the 39th anniversary of the Apollo 11
landing on the moon.
The scientists plan to re-enact the landing on the very same soundstages where it was originally filmed.